Socks?

Socks?

Postby Trademark » Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:33 pm

Can socks be classified as everything? I mean am I crossing any boundaries by posting this topic here? Does it belong? Hmmm..

After some consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the revolutionary invention of the sock has been understated. Is mankind as we know it utilizing this material tube for the wrong purposes? We could be developing such creations to aid in military causes (Sock+Grenade=Great Trajectory?), stop Global Warming (Exhaust pipe condom?) and even cure cancer! (Well, ...). We should be putting our foot down on the misuse of the sock! (Ignore the bad pun). Stop stepping, scuffing and stretching these feet warmers and put them to better use. The possibilities are endless! Just think, could one be correct when they say that a sock is in fact, everything? Could one be correct for placing this topic in a forum of such monumental and paradoxical complexity? Or is one just fooling themselves when they bring up such a topic while utilizing large fancy words to boost ones own reputation? The answer=Unknown.
I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.
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Re: Socks?

Postby butteralex » Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:56 am

Socks keep my feet warm.
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Re: Socks?

Postby PunchHarvester » Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:50 am

I have stripey socks.
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Re: Socks?

Postby DarthKnight » Thu Aug 07, 2008 6:20 pm

I like to wear my socks with sandals.
Mmm....sweaty.
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Re: Socks?

Postby starsbees » Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:20 pm

I haven't been wearing my socks lately, so I am unqualified to comment on this issue. Perhaps if you send me some socks I will be happy.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Sanjay » Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:21 am

If I become rich the number one luxury I would afford myself of would be new socks every day.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Mystic Monkey » Sat Nov 15, 2008 7:53 pm

Hey this topic applies to me because I have socks and am always looking for things to do with them that will benefit humanity. Thanks Trandmark!
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Re: Socks?

Postby Sanjay » Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:41 pm

Have you tried making a sock puppet that campaigns for social change?
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Re: Socks?

Postby abracadabra » Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:35 pm

Socks are the most unrecognized artistic medium.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Mystic Monkey » Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:17 am

abracadabra wrote:Socks are the most unrecognized artistic medium.

Aside from sculpting human poo.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:54 pm

(Disclaimer: I worked on this for a while. I hope you like it. Also, the small numbers are foot-notes to be found at the bottom.)

These days people don't fully comprehend how important clothes really are. Clothes in them selves have become merely cloth to too many people. Perhaps the most overlooked and disrespected piece of clothing today is the sock. Socks are not just devices of warmth and comfort or hilarity in it's purest form, as most people believe; no, they are much more. Socks teach us lessons you could not begin to comprehend until the sock teaches them to you itself. Considering that it is very unlikely a sock will actually talk to you, I'll attempt to convey the message instead. To understand the sock is to understand it's history, it's meaning and it's way of thinking, or lack there of.
If someone were to come up to me and say something like "Socks keep my feet warm." I would laugh at them and scoff rather uncontrollably. Almost to the point of passing out uncontrollably.
They are wrong. Wrong in the sense that warmth is only one of the many services the sock provides to us humble men. The sock is the proverbial, and literal, shield from the outside world and the single most important item of clothing in all of humanity. In the olden times, before the middle ages, in what is commonly referred to as the Too Early Ages, man was bare-foot. He was the hunter, donner of the loin-cloth and wielder of the club. He was busy day in and day out and never had time to think, hence the idiocy. The woman was the nurturer, she bore and raised the children, the future hunters and nurturers. Because the gestation period of the average human female is 9 months, this left the nurturer with a lot of time on her hands. This time was used to speculate and infer meaning from the universe, answering the greatest questions of life. What big light in sky? Can eat rock? Where child? Why is it that if an electron is shot toward a plane with two slits on it will appear to travel in a wave through the slits, but then once the experiment is repeated and observed, it will act as a particle while traveling through the slits? Many of modern day's beliefs and infrastructures arose from this contemplation: religion, democracy, LOLcats, but the most important, in relevance to this lecture, is clothing. Many nurturers at the time would ponder over the solutions to the problem "It cold." This was a large problem for the neanderthal society until one day, a female of unknown identity discovered "It not cold," when a person put on any old animal skin the was just lying around. They started making men, who were the ones to put the food on the metaphorical table1, wear clothing to protect them from many non-getting-eaten forms of death, and men agreed because they now had an excuse to wear a loin-cloth other than just homophobia. This insistence of the women and the subsequent winning of those arguments is largely believed to be the first known time of the woman "always being right".
Skipping ahead in years to the Still Too Early Ages, man starts to notice rocks more in-depth, and when I say that, I mean they noticed: "Rock hurt foot." From this point on, left-over animal pelt was fashioned around the foot and thus the invention of the shoe came to pass. This breakthrough was very much challenged by the invention of the domesticated dog, and said domesticated dog's need to chew things. Nevertheless, shoes prevailed.
Now we again leap forward through time to the point where man begins to use pronouns and prepositions in their speech, more commonly known as the Why Do Our Feet Stink? Ages. These particular Ages were short-lived, consisting of only a few days, but they were very historically important. These particular ages started on the day a certain Mr. Sock2, who was working as a contortionist in a local traveling festival, was forced to perform his act with his feet naked, the consequence of sharing your dressing "room" with the trained bear who's only thought at any given time is "Is that food3?" Upon pulling off his signature double-limb-twist technique, he had unfortunately and very historically relevantly put his nose temporarily next to his feet. A few days later, once Mr. Sock awoke from his stench-induced coma, he saw the inherent problems with the footwear system. The foot being stuffed in the shoe all day caused unpleasant stink demons to be attached to the bottom of the foot and remain there indefinitely4. Mr. Sock hypothesized that if there was a layer of cloth that prevented the contact of foot and shoe, that the stink-demons would gradually start to withdraw from a person's foot and not return. It was a well-known fact that stink-demons hated cloth, prayer, and chastity, so complying with these ideals prevented their presence5. And thus the sock was born and the Why Do Our Feet Stink? Ages came to a close; only to be replaced by the That's Better Ages.
At a later undetermined time in history, probably only a few minutes after the first donning of the sock did anyone realize that they could be used for warmth. Later they were revealed to be a way to entertain small children, through the attachments of buttons and hilarious voices; though this was eventually replaced by an invention known as Television. Eventually, designs were added to socks, such as stripes and polka dots and Pokémon; but then in 2034, humanity as a whole agreed that this was almost a worse idea than Crocs.
In modern day, the sock is used to prevent stink, cold, and poison ivy, but it's physical uses are no longer of major importance, most all the comfort we get from the sock now is psychological. Today, mainly in the indoors setting, the sock is worn as the only piece of footwear on the person at any given time. Most people believe that the shoe is worn indoors at fairly common intervals as well, but they're nerds so why should we care what they think6? The sock protects the wearer from the harmful elements of the outside world: dirt, grime, mildew, penguins, robotic penguins; all of those nasty things and more.
The sock is the shield of the foot, a shield so grand it doesn't need a sword or lance or pike or salmon. Once you place the sock on your foot, a feeling of subconscious serenity descends upon the area in one's mind where subconscious serenity usually descends. Your foot now has in place it's first line of defence against the outside world. It provides more comforts and consolations than is possible to list before losing a reader's interest. And if you want me to get all Freudian on you, it can also simulate the reproductive act in some weird subliminal way.
With all these aspiring aspect, you'd expect that the sock could live on forever in the hearts and minds, not to mention on the feet, of us all. The future of the sock is a bright one, it's only a matter of time before socks become so large they can be used as sleeping bags and eventually ridiculously disproportionate drag chutes; leading fictional scientists believe that the sock could achieve sentience as soon as the year 24407. Unfortunately, the honor and dignity if the sock is in dire jeopardy. Some people these days have the gall to intentionally not wear socks. They instead believe a suitable substitution for the timeless sock/shoe combination is sandals. I can see how sandals would be reasonable on a day of high temperature or a situation when the only terrain one would be exposed to is that of the sand variety. But this infestation of our culture has spread to the point of wearing sandals in the winter, far away from any sand; which frankly, I find ridiculous. I do not wish to condemn any of those who wish to wear this abomination to our forefather's footwear, but instead wish them to remember why socks are so important.
The sock is most clearly the most important article of clothing that ever came to exist. Our fathers had them, our grandfathers had them, our great-grandfathers had them, our great-great-grandfathers had them, our great-great-great-grandfathers had them, hell, even our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers probably had them8. Not wearing a sock is like spitting on your ancestors graves so hard that they begin to roll in them.
I would hope that by this point, anyone reading this would come to fully comprehend all that the sock does for men. They're important enough to deserve their own religion or restaurant chain, but they are too humble to except such luxuries. The sock continues to do it's job day after day, week after week, year after year for absolutely no benefit of their own. So next time you think of what a sock means to you, I would hope the answer is more than a sentence long9.

1: At this time no nurturers had yet pondered "Arms tired from holding tiger carcass," thus there was no tables yet invented.
2: This name has been bestowed upon him by historians who were bored one fateful day.
3: Many historians question why the bear could use prepositions while not long before humans could not.
4: Please keep in mind we are not yet at a point in time where science existed.
5: It was also believed that stink-demons loved and were attracted to pre-marital sex, homosexuality, back-sassing, and dolphins; especially Bottlenose.
6: Really, really big nerds. If nerdiness caused you to look similar to Godzilla in in direct correlation with how nerdy you were, they would look rather much like said reptilian lifeform.
7: Or whenever we get bored, and give socks sentience for the hell of it. Whichever of those dates comes first.
8: And I've heard those guys were pretty great.
9: Unless it's a run-on sentence. Socks don't discriminate against people with bad grammar; another good quality they possess.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Mystic Monkey » Wed Dec 17, 2008 6:54 pm

That is amazing, I had no idea the history of socks was so interesting. I will never look at socks the same again, thank you Japeth for opening my eyes.

On another note, since you are the worlds leading expert on socks, I was wondering if you could answer a question I have pondered, "if I am wearing two socks on each foot is the sock on the outside a shoe?"
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Re: Socks?

Postby Kim_Kim » Sat Dec 20, 2008 5:04 am

I don't like socks... or shoes.

I'd prefer to be barefoot.
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Re: Socks?

Postby FengharTheNord » Sat Dec 20, 2008 3:53 pm

Socks can also be worn on the hands and tiny heads. They can even be used as a muzzle for rapscallion dogs and cats that bite.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Sat Dec 20, 2008 6:17 pm

Mystic Monkey wrote:"if I am wearing two socks on each foot is the sock on the outside a shoe?"


GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
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Re: Socks?

Postby FengharTheNord » Sun Dec 21, 2008 1:34 pm

I often do the double-sock tango if its cold and snowy outside.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Tue Dec 23, 2008 12:09 pm

Kim_Kim wrote:I don't like socks... or shoes.

I'd prefer to be barefoot.


In all that previous rage, I totally overlooked this source of rage.

GET OUT OF MY SUPER-HOUSE.
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Re: Socks?

Postby FengharTheNord » Tue Dec 23, 2008 12:48 pm

Japeth wrote:
In all that previous rage, I totally overlooked this source of rage.

GET OUT OF MY SUPER-HOUSE.


Yo man, chill. Were all sock friendly people around here. Sometimes we just need a break from socks and shoes. Its alright maaaan. Feels goood.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:04 pm

FengharTheNord wrote:
Japeth wrote:
In all that previous rage, I totally overlooked this source of rage.

GET OUT OF MY SUPER-HOUSE.


Yo man, chill. Were all sock friendly people around here. Sometimes we just need a break from socks and shoes. Its alright maaaan. Feels goood.


Nope. You most definitely do not. Ever.
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Re: Socks?

Postby FengharTheNord » Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:14 pm

Well, I tried.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:21 pm

FengharTheNord wrote:Well, I tried.


Nope. You most definitely do not. Ever.
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Re: Socks?

Postby FengharTheNord » Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:31 pm

CONFOUND IT! YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE!
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Tue Dec 23, 2008 1:37 pm

FengharTheNord wrote:CONFOUND IT! YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE!


Nope. You most definitely do not. Ever.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Kim_Kim » Tue Dec 23, 2008 8:26 pm

I'm sorry! It's okay, really! I like socks!! *Holds up toe socks* See!? Socks.
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Re: Socks?

Postby Japeth » Wed Dec 24, 2008 10:23 am

Kim_Kim wrote:I'm sorry! It's okay, really! I like socks!! *Holds up toe socks* See!? Socks.


That's... adequate.
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